Oiled and Naked

So. I'm currently sitting here half-naked and all oiled up. Unfortunately, this is not as indicative of sexy-time as it sounds. I'm just really pregnant, and I JUST got enough money in the bank to buy some anti-itch/stretch mark stuff. This particular cocktail is all oily and smells like a cheap box of chocolates. I can totally live with that. Luckily, I've got ok skin, and haven't accrued too many stretch marks yet, but I'm deathly afraid of turning into that 30 year old woman who looks like she got attacked by some kind of wild cat due to left-over stretch marks when she goes through her midlife crisis and lifts her shirt to flash the "Girls Gone Wild" guys.


so I'm taking all the possible preventative measures I can. HOWEVER, I'm NOT prepared to ruin any articles of clothing that can be categorized as the dwindling collection of attire that still fits my massively bloated body, tents and swimming pool liners not excluded. So, to prevent oil stains, I'm walking around in my underwear. I remember when I used to do this just for the hell of it, and not out of necessity. Oh how the times have changed. Not only do I not get to ENJOY being half naked, because I'm all oily and afraid to sit on anything, but I'm having to fight the urge to go around breaking all the mirrors like a crazy woman because I can't stand the constant reminder that I'm not at all sexy, and will continue to be not at all sexy for another 3 months. I feel like I need one of those professional encouragement counselors. You know, those people who get paid to follow mentally handicapped people around, telling them how awesome they are and giving them high-fives every time they manage to take a step without falling on their face? Yeah. I need one. Except mine will tell me how coordinated I am, and I'll get a high-five every time I DON'T forget a vital piece of information, or leave my cell phone in the refrigerator.




And lastly, they'll tell me how awesomely hot I am, and never once mention that I'm "as big as a house" or that I "look like I'm due already" like everyone else around me seems to feel the need to do. And I won't have to sound like one of those whiny little bitches and say "Ugh. I look like a sea-cow :(" to get them to say these things. Yes...yes I'm liking the sound of this....I wonder where I can find one of these people...Think they'd be in the phone book under "professional high-fivers"?